I have this friend I really care for and I have come to realize there is something very core to how we perceive each other that seems a little off. I have known this friend for many years and he knows lots of people I seem to have a similar issue with. I could be angry with my friend and I suspect he assumes that I am. I would like to explain to him that I am wounded and I’m not sure how to do that without expressing my displeasure in the wound itself. Somehow, I need to not give up on finding a way.
As I now understand stigma, stigma takes three and only three people. Two people with a shared commonality or perceived greater understanding of a third which discounts or nullifies the perspective of the third. The two people who have or perceive a shared belief/thought/understanding are not always on the same page. This opens the door for deception and a deeper definition that stigma involves one deceiving a second to deprive a third. The person in the middle only comes to understand after the fact which is a definitional byproduct of being deceived. That’s not a condemnation of the person caught in the middle and hence my concern for my friend.
I made a conscious choice, as a child, to be different. Society or perhaps culture expected certain things of me and I purposed to not passively go along, to resist every chance I got. That became a problem for me along about junior high with the football coach. The coach physically (and rather violently) assaulted me. On my way to the office to report the incident I experienced what the principal would then diagnose as a nervous breakdown. My response seemed quite natural to me, I was confused and that was the day I became an outcast defective, wounded.
In the aftermath the school principle cited my ‘nervous breakdown’ that followed the assault as more concerning than the assault. The football coach (my P.E. instructor) agreed, looking back I suspect he had an issue with steroids. That was a big deal for me personally and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Both the principal and the coach had labeled me as a misfit and they were right. The consequence the coach viewed as justified I disagreed with but as a result of their shared perception of my being a misfit, my perception of having been assaulted was simply not worth considering. I was in fact guilty of being different. I was wounded and I became vulnerable. I was very aware of both of those facts.
That was a very challenging period for me and though I grew to despise the principal for his lack of understanding he was the one in charge of the record and there was nothing I could do about it. The reality we were forced to make peace with in that day led my friend to take his life (Today I Heal). I laid the memory of my friend at the feet of those two men. It has been 45 years since I crossed the threshold to being wounded and as I now cross it again (this time back to healing or wholeness) I am amazed at how different everything is while at the same time very similar, eerily so.
I came across a video recently which my friend made for me [LINK] around six years ago. At my request he had agreed to accompany my (now ex-) wife to make a plea to settle (or return) the business (and/or assets) from my (business) partner. My friend also agreed to record the exchange for me. It is unclear if my business partner knew he was being recorded as there is no indication on it of his acknowledging or agreeing to be recorded. I don’t think that is germane as this is primarily about my friend who made and transferred the video to me primarily and my business partner secondarily. It does however show the extreme level of duplicity (and deceit) my business partner was willing to (and did) employ in emotionally isolating and then defrauding me. The video also shows how easy it was for him to do that with one who was prone to feed into the stigma. It seems most of the residents in the Chugiak and Peters Creek areas were prone to feeding into the stigma and with them those charged with making and enforcing our laws.
On my journey to healing I find myself reflecting on that threshold I crossed so many years ago on my wounding. There are similarities, and contrasts, which seem noteworthy to me. I have learned that stigma (culturally oppression) takes three distinct role players persons/entities/groups. There is the stigmatized/oppressed, the deceived and the deceiver. The deceiver is in the driver seat and is doing it for a reason or has a motive. The deceiver is also able to convince the deceived it is the responsibility of the stigmatized for paying the price.
In the winter/spring of ’74 it was the football coach who played the role of the bad guy, the deceiver. His gain was to maintain dominance over the kids he coached (two classes, 60 some boys and at least one other instructor witnessed the assault). He was able to deceive the principal into believing my deficiency caused him to assault me. He also went on to win many football games and I didn’t. The role the principal played in allowing deception to go unchecked is even more troubling to me though. Allowing the oppressor to go unchecked due to convenience is reprehensible but only on second glance and I wasn’t always perceived worthy of a second glance. That’s just the way it was.
Forty or so years later as I cross that same threshold back to healing (or being whole) the players have changed. My good friend is playing the role of principal and my partner is playing the role of the deceiver. This causes me no small amount of angst as I do/have cared deeply for each of these persons. In this scenario, as the oppressed, I am (have been) disempowered of any defense. Therefore, it seems critical that my friend (the deceived) take the lead in holding the deceiver accountable. As in the past though I fear he may find it most convenient to pretend not to notice. I am concerned for both of my friends but as I embrace my own healing, I accept that their actions are no longer on my conscience and I pray for them.
Roger Branson
