January 13, 2019
About six months ago I made the choice to begin physically moving through my personal healing. I chose to document my journey in writing and share those writings as widely as possible for a few reasons. The first reason was that I felt the need to commit myself to the path so there could be no wavering. A second reason was found in the fact that my illness had played out publicly, meaning it had touched others and I wanted them to have the opportunity to share in my healing as well and heal vicariously wherever appropriate. The final reason was to chart a path for those who may feel stuck, as I did, on the wrong side of healing to step into their own healing and wholeness.
My first writing was titled My Confession and it was addressed to the people of Chugiak-Eagle River. It brought the need for healing or perhaps the responsibility for my personal lack of health back to myself. It also identified those I may have wounded or at one time felt wounded by for inclusion in the healing I was purposely in pursuit of. My journey since that day has been, for me, personally remarkable and I pray others have found (or find) it that way as well. Regardless of how others do, or don’t, choose to share in my healing this is first and foremost about me, it is mine. The need for my healing dictated that necessity (to be about myself) which in turn brought up other issues I feel the need to address now.
In my second writing, Today I Heal, I felt the need to identify and step through (heal from) a root trauma I now realize re-presented itself (caused additional traumas) a myriad of times in my life. This in turn opened the door for me to heal from all the secondary traumas which were spawned from (or came about as a result of) the first. This created a challenge I had not anticipated.
I genuinely care for the people in my life today. I felt the same way yesterday and every day before that. At times I felt wounded by the people in my life and at times I felt the need to wound. In order to heal I now realize that I need to make room for others to heal as well. I place a high value on my own autonomy and as I prepared space for my own healing, which made necessary making space (within me) for others to heal, I realized I had to make space for them to also be autonomous and/or choose not to heal.
As I began stepping through my personal healing, I became greatly concerned that those who were in my life might not be there when I step through to the other side. I had to accept that some (or possibly all) of those in my life at that time, especially those I felt closest to, had me in their lives (again at that time) because my woundedness met an emotional need that had nothing to do with me. That was very concerning to the point I began to have second thoughts on whether I wanted to heal or not. Still the writings were out there, the gloves had been thrown down, and my commitment stood despite the weakness in my knees.
What I could not see has turned out to be much more than I could have imagined. It turns out that those who stood with me on the/that day (in which) I chose to take a stand were a battle-hardened lot used to standing for their own needs and they had a greater understanding of what I was going through (or perhaps into) than I did. The resilience factor among those who call me friend is nothing short of phenomenal. I came to realize that on that day when I couldn’t see the other side of healing (fearing for those closest to me) there was something else I couldn’t see.
I couldn’t see those who had gone through their own healing before me. Who had prior to my arrival came to the same juncture I had and had chosen to step through not knowing who (or what) would be on the other side for them. These would definitely be some special people who deserve consideration (some good, some other). Regardless I pray they find peace but more than that I pray they find healing or that their healing is true and endures.
I suspect that this, my third writing in this series, will conclude the series. That future writings will deal with the nuances (there were many) I experienced along the way. We will see and thank you for reading/following along.
Roger Branson ​